My Testimony

Laying on an old gravel road, my whole body was shaking furiously because of the cool night and the fact that I was laying by myself on a dead end road surrounded by woods. As a child, coyotes were my worst fear. They haunted me with their powerful howls that were magnified by numbers in the dark. Every night when a friend and I would have to head home we would meet at the end of our long driveways. We would count to three and run towards our house. Then briefly we would make sure the other friend survived before we walked through our front door.  In the middle of one random night a voice spoke to me. I opened my eyes. The voice said "Go lay in the street."  Frantically, I said no over and over. I walked/ran to the street to get it over with. As I laid there shaking, I started to gaze at the stars. Focusing on each star's brightness, peace came over me. I was no longer afraid. I felt excitement in my heart and amazement. I went back to bed and never spoke of this incident to anyone for years.  I started going to church and began to understand whose voice that belonged to.  It was just part of my being. I have never not heard God's voice. This isn't a voice I hear out loud but in my soul. In a way I always see that night as symbolic to our relationship with Christ. Fully surrendering to him brings us peace. In my adolescence years I became the outcast with a group of girls that attempted to make my life miserable until I graduated.  Thats when a true relationship with Christ started. I remember walking on my fence in my backyard having casual conversations with God that were sometimes sad and sometimes happy. My mom always told me it was a gift but I have always believed that everyone could experience this. You have to meditate on his voice. I also remember envisioning Jesus walking beside me when I felt I had no friends. Looking back, those years were so rich with love. God has always strongly called me to be like his son in hard situations. When I become more like him I suffer like him. I have to strip myself of anything I enjoy that is of this world. Those are the things that hold us back from the purest form of happiness.  I saw a life that had meaning. Even during our strongest walks with Christ sin will always be present in our life. Sin comes in strong and mild currents. Sin made its way through my college years with a mild current. I gave into it because of the temporary joy I got from being accepted so easily. There was no judgement from a small town or mean girls. I always describe sin like a current because it reminds me of being on a float in the ocean. You look for dry land and realize how far you have drifted away from it without noticing.  It wasn't until a tragic incident happened that I realized how far I had drifted. My best friend was raped by a stranger in the middle of the night at our house while we were all out of town. My body shook every night with overwhelming fear and sadness for my friend. The kind of fear I experienced before I laid in the street as a child. One day I had to pull my car in a parking lot because I was hyperventilating. It just so happened to be a Mardel bookstore lot. I went inside throwing books into my cart. One study brought me back to Christ and focused on the heart. It was called "A Heart Like His," by Beth Moore.   She preaches grace grace and more grace. Her books were exactly what I needed during and after college.  We need to understand God's love for us and that there is freedom from shame.  We need to accept that God loves us no matter how far we drift. That fear went away when I started focusing on God. But once again a heavy current made its way in my life after college. Even though I was tossed about I wouldn't sink because I now knew the depth of God's love for me.  Struggling with what I wanted to do with my life and trying to find a job brought me to my knees. How I envisioned my life and what God wanted for me were two completely different things. Battling his will and his love made me seek temporary happiness from the world. It hurt. I still thank God for being so patient with my stubborn nature. One day I parked at First Baptist Houston (it is humongous) with grave loneliness. I prayed that God would introduce me to somebody that could plug me into the church. After the night service ended a lady introduced herself as the pastor's secretary and asked if I was new. Then she asked if there was anything that I enjoyed in particular. I told her I loved Beth Moore Bible studies. In my mind I was thinking she saved my life.  She proceeded to tell me that Beth Moore is a member and does a six month series every year. Yippee! I can tell you those sermons were powerful. Thousands of people would come from around the state and the U.S. to hear them. One night I was at my wits end. Every word of her sermon spoke to my heart. At the end she would always call people up to pray at the alter. I felt myself floating there. As hundreds of us kneeled she would place her hand on our back and say a blessing of peace. Suddenly she turned me around and stared at me. I was so overwhelmed with tears rolling down my face.  She kept saying in her cute voice I have never had these three words put together like this. Then she said God wants you to hear these three words. Right after I left I forgot them.  What?!!! How do you forget these words says everyone I have ever told this story to. Battling my spirit and finding a job in Houston, I  drove to my hometown.  I cried to my mom. I don't think I have been that vulnerable in years. She told me how she did have moments when she knew Christ's presence was strongly with her (remembering me always telling her to listen for him). She recalled a time when she was pregnant with me. Mom, sitting on a old rocking chair in the country after a rough evening, placed her hand on her tummy and told God that all she wanted was for me to know him. Mom was the first person I told about the time God called me as a child to obey and love him. Her prayers were answered.  That story in my heart was his glory. It made sense. His plan was revealed. 1peter1:8-9 Though you have not seen him, you will love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls. As I was leaving my mom said I've been praying and asking my dad to watch over you. I've always wanted to meet him because I know that's where my mom gets her tremendous gift of humbleness.  I gave my family a big hug and headed toward my destiny. My mom's dad died at the early age of 50. My mom was 22. He had a lot of heart problems. During one of his heart surgeries he flatlined. During that particular surgery he had a life after death experience. He then felt passionate about sharing what he experienced to his friends and family. My mom said he had never been more peaceful than the time before the Lord took him home. She decided after our visit to share one of those letters he wrote.  As I'm reading it my heart jumped.  At one point he described Christ putting his hand on his wrist and God too had spoken three words in which he did not remember. I called my mom and whoever was baffled that I did not remember the three words to tell them about God's greatness.  I believe in angels. I also believe in God using them to send messages of His peace and love. His glory was once again revealed to me. His glory is the Trinity in complete fullness. It is an exhilarating vision. The only way I can describe the feeling is that you are all knowing for a brief moment in time. A glimpse of Christ himself. I learned how to turn my weeping into praising. Not because things were better in my life but because he is so good.  Christ gave me an amazing job, lead me to Ryan, and then blessed me with a son and a daughter.  Ps30:5 For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.He continues to call me to the renewing of my mind and his glory. Once you understand his word you can't wait to share it. If I had a testimony, it would be the greatness of God's love for our hearts despite our challenges, praising his name brings peace beyond comprehension, falling on your knees because of sin heals a broken heart and that his mighty power can truly move mountains. He delights in us and wants us so badly. Come as you are tattered, torn, and tossed about. He will bring you ashore.